How Do You Choose a Guardian for Your Minor Children?
As an estate planner, my job is to help people think through what will happen to those they love when the worst possible scenario happens to them. One of the most challenging scenarios that my clients need to think through is who will take care of their children when they no longer can.
This question comes up frequently because it is fairly normal to have a tough time identifying a guardian. If you struggle to think about who you would select, please know that you are not alone! There are a few different reasons why people may have difficulty with this.
Too Many Choices
Family members are often the first people we think of when it comes to guardians for young children. If you have a large family, you may have a difficult time choosing amongst many good choices. You may be worried that naming one family member may hurt the feelings of other family members.
No Choices
Another reason this question comes up is that you have the opposite problem. Instead of having too many options, you may not have any options that feel like the right person to name. You may not think that any of your family members are a good choice because of your own experiences with them. Or, you might feel like asking friends would be too hard because it would be a burden on them or you fear that they would say no.
So, what do you do?
No one Can replace you
When they are struggling with this, the first thing I tell my clients is to keep in mind that no one you select can raise your children the same way that you would. If you are ever in a position where a guardian is actually needed, things haven’t gone according to plan. Even with the best possible guardian, your children will not be in an ideal situation because they will be grieving.
Your goal as a parent is to pick the best person for the job based on you, your life, and how you believe your children should be cared for.
There is no perfect.
You will not find someone who fits the bill perfectly because they are not you. Instead, you are looking for someone who has the personality and qualities that you feel will be good for your children. You should choose someone who you believe will have the best interest of your children at heart, even if they are not going to do the same way as you. This is what you need to focus on whenever you decide who will continue to raise your kids if you no longer can do it yourself.
It’s also important to remember that you can change this selection any time you are alive. If you select someone today and find a better potential guardian in the future, you can change your documents.
“There is no perfect guardian”
With that said, here is an exercise that I offer my clients when they are having problems with the selection process.
Identify the qualities you are looking for in a guardian.
Make a list of possible choices
Determine which qualities each possible choice has
Rank the choices
Go with your gut
What are the qualities you are looking for?
Whether you have too many options to choose from or not enough, it is first and foremost essential to understand what you are looking for in a guardian. I advise my clients to write down (yes, actually write it down!) all of the qualities they think an excellent guardian should possess. Here are some questions that you can ask yourself to identify some qualities and factors when making a decision.
(Keep in mind this assessment will be different for everybody. If a quality or factor does not apply to you, skip it.)
Do they already know your children? Are your children comfortable with them?
Most families have that one friend or family member where when you go over to their house, your children walk right in and make themselves at home! But you can also have family or friends that your kids still need to be by your side when you are over at their house. Both of these friends can be good friends, but your children feel more comfortable with one over the other.
When selecting your guardian, you have to remember that your children will be in an unimaginable situation. You will no longer be around to be your child’s comfort and hold their hand in this scenario. How important is this factor for you? How deep does the existing relationship with your child need to be?
How will this guardianship disrupt your child’s life?
If a guardian is being named, your children are already going through a lot. Would your children have to move or significantly change their day-to-day life in order for this guardian to take over?
Sending a very young child (baby or toddler-age) to another state to live with your sister is dramatically different from moving a middle school child in the same situation.
Does the guardian have children of their own?
Does it matter to you if this person already has children? Does it matter if those children are of similar age or significantly older or younger?
What is the age and ability of the guardian?
Often, my clients want to name their own parents as guardians. This is definitely understandable, and sometimes it is the best solution. However, grandma and grandpa are older than you. They are more likely to pass away before you, and they are more likely to be in a situation where they are not physically able to take care of young children.
What is the stability of the home like? What is their lifestyle like?
Consider whether the potential guardian has a lifestyle that can easily accommodate the addition of your children, or if you feel confident that they could handle the change that would occur if they suddenly take on raising your children.
What is the financial situation like?
Ideally, you will have some kind of life insurance so that if something does happen to you, there is money to take care of your children. If you don’t have that in place, I recommend talking with an insurance agent to see if there is an affordable policy to help protect your kids.
However, even with that money set aside, the guardian may also be in charge of your children’s finances and making sure they are provided for. It is worth considering if the guardian you are choosing is currently doing an excellent job of managing their own finances.
(Note: You can name someone else to manage the finances if you are hesitant to give the guardian control of your children’s accounts.)
What are their values?
As a parent, you have specific values that you want to teach your child. Are you religious and want your child to be raised in a spiritual home? Do you love the outdoors and want that to be instilled in your children as well? Maybe you love arts and culture and want those values for your children. Are these issues important to you? If they are, you need to make sure you choose a guardian with similar values.
Make a list of possible choices
Write down every person you can possibly think of that you would consider to be guardians: parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, cousins, aunts.
Don't limit yourself here! You don't want to look at your list of qualifications and say, "oh, this person doesn't have that qualification, so they are off my list." If you do it that way, you won't have anyone on your list! As I said before, no one is perfect, and no one will have every single qualification. The point here is to come up with a list of people you would consider.
My suggestion is to come up with no more than 10 names. I also don't recommend going through your Facebook friends just to get 10 people! The goal here is try to list more than one person so you can compare them objectively.
Once you have your list of names down, it's time to go through and consider how each person measures up with the qualifications you laid out. Do they have most of those things, or only a few? Of those qualifications that the person is missing, how important are they to you? For example, some of my clients will consider financial stability more important than disrupting the child's life. For others, lifestyle might be more important than financial stability. But, remember…
there is no right answer
The only way to figure this out is to look at each person and consider whether they have the qualifications you’re looking for in a guardian, and how much value you place on the qualifications they do have.
These lists are a great starting point for a conversation with your spouse. Hopefully, you and your spouse will agree on a guardian. However, if you still have trouble deciding, you can also talk with your attorney. An attorney will be able to offer advice and insight as it corresponds to the law and may be able to counsel you through to a decision.
The most important thing is to CHOOSE
I strongly urge you not to delay setting up your estate plan simply because you cannot figure out who to name as a guardian. Naming someone who is imperfect is still better than not naming anyone at all!
Remember, you can always change the guardian later! In fact, it is common for people to change their named guardians as their priorities change over time. Your children get older, you may move or change careers, and your lifestyle changes. The people who were the best fit three years ago might not be the best fit today.
Do not let the choice of guardian be the reason that stops you from taking the other steps to figure out your estate plan for your child!
I hope you found this helpful! If you did, you can watch me on YouTube or catch me on Facebook for more helpful information! And, I’d love to connect with you – drop a line here or shoot me an email!
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